“All Men Are the Same”

“All men are the same.”

You may be familiar with this statement. Perhaps you’ve said it yourself. In some way, a man has hurt you deeply and whether you realize it or not, that moment shaped how you would continue to view men.

I myself have been burned by men in my life, but it wasn’t until my breakup that I really started to think… “Wow. All men are the same.”

My ex was the one guy I thought I could trust, but he was the one who told me lies and cheated on me the entire time we were together. He broke my heart, my trust, and after that day my faith in men was lost. 

In the months following my breakup, I’d be in a room surrounded by men, struggling to believe that any of them were really good. A belief had started to take root in my heart that men couldn’t be trusted and would hurt me in the end. In my mind, no man was who he said he was.

This lie was not believed without guilt. I KNEW I was placing an unfair judgment on men. Deep down I knew the truth. This wasn’t a men issue, but a sin issue. And how I was judging the men around me was not pleasing to God.

The problem isn’t man…

The truth is, we are all sinful human beings, capable of inflicting a great deal of pain upon one another. Women have also lied, manipulated, and cheated on men. If this is something both men and women do, then the answer can’t be, “Men are terrible.” 

The evil you hate is not man, it is sin. And it is sin turning your heart toward bitterness and placing this unfair judgment upon men.

“So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.”

Genesis 1:27 // emphasis added

God didn’t create just man, nor did He create just woman. He created BOTH male and female in His image. There was purpose and intention in this design. To think all men are the same and out to hurt us women, is ultimately to say there is a flaw in God’s beautiful, perfect design. He made us to dwell together in unity. To help each other, not hurt each other. It is not His will that we hurt… and it is not His will that we live in fear of man.

God desires that His church would be united. That means men and women gathering in unity. That means men and women supporting one another, learning from each other, serving together, and able to love each other as brothers and sisters in Christ.

In order to defeat a lie, we have to understand what is true. I knew all of these things to be true in my heart, but God had to speak to me another way.

Hope rekindled…

As the Lord was convicting me about the bitterness in my heart, I remember one night at church I was having a conversation with a guy friend of mine. The pain from my breakup was so fresh. I was so angry and on the verge of breaking down. But there I was, forcing myself to socialize and hoping for freedom from the bitterness that plagued my heart.

Nothing of significance was said, but I remember as I was listening to him talk, I had this peace wash over me. A small voice whispered – he’s different. He can be trusted.

In that moment, hope was rekindled in my heart. Just by engaging in casual conversation with this friend, I felt my heart come to a place of rest. To this day, this friend has no idea that just by his example in my life, he helped my heart heal toward men. If HE was different, then I knew there were other good guys out there.

Keep in mind, this wasn’t some magic moment of healing that occurred. It took several more months of healing, prayer, and surrender, but eventually God did free me from the bitterness and skepticism I had around men.

Dear ladies…

I promise you, there ARE good, godly men out there who will honor you and protect your heart. Not all men are out to hurt you. Not all men are unfaithful.  Don’t allow the men who have hurt you in the past to shape your entire view of men.

Yes, sin exists in this world. Because of this, choosing to trust anyone with our heart is always a risk. And believe me, I KNOW it’s not easy to choose trust. There were moments when I thought I’d never fully heal. But you know what? Clinging to bitterness for the rest of my life and closing myself off from every man I’d come across would have hurt me so much more in the end. Bitterness is such an ugly, painful thing.

You may think you’re protecting yourself by closing yourself off, but you’re going to hurt yourself in a whole other way that will quite literally plague your soul. It’s not worth it.

Forgive as you also have been forgiven. <3

2 years later…

This was all over 2 years ago now. Since then, I’ve gained some good brothers in Christ.

I’m not saying I’m not still wary. I’m not saying I freely trust men. I don’t freely trust anyone. I exercise wisdom and discernment and pursue friendships with men (and women) accordingly.

I’m fortunate enough now to have good guy friends in my life. Guys I can count on to look out for me and always make sure I’m safe. Guys who respect me and my boundaries. Guys I can laugh with and have good conversations with. That’s such a huge blessing. And while I still tend to proceed with caution, God has healed my heart so much in this area and in turn, I’ve learned to be friends with my brothers in Christ. 

Dear sister, please don’t give up on men. When you let God do His healing work in you and you find those guys who make great friends, you’ll realize that giving men a second chance was really worth it, after all.

Healing doesn’t happen overnight. The pain you’ve been through is very real and healing from a trauma takes intentional work and time. I’m not here to tell you how to do that. Only to encourage you as someone who walked through it that, yes, although healing can be painful and messy, choosing to heal and keep your heart open is something you’ll never regret ❤️